Through My Tears, I Will Rejoice For You.

Holding onto the hand I’ve known so well, the morphine drip clicks over, delivering another dose of the powerful drug through her tired veins. It is quiet and warm in the bedroom, save for the voices of her daughter and husband down the hall way and of the nurse filling out paper work, outside the bedroom door. We’re surrounded by photographs of all her family, gold and silver frames stocked with the people she loves, the people she’s spent her time here, taking care of. Memories of a life, most of us would envy. A life filled with adventure, travelling, loss, war, and overcoming old world tragedy. My Grandmother, who’s helped raise me from the moment I was born, a two pound little baby, and we’ve loved each other with all our hearts since.

She is wearing her pink flannel sleeping gown, the one with the back cut straight down the middle, so it doesn’t bunch up underneath her, the folds in the fabric send pain through her body, if she lay on top of them for too long.  She can’t get up and fix it on her own anymore. She’s too exhausted. The cancer spreading through her body steals the small amount of energy she has left, and a part of me, with a heavy heart, looks forward to this coming to an end, for her. So she can finally see the face of Jesus. She’s has always asked me to tell her the story, of when I saw Him, when He came to me, and filled me with His spirit. She listens, over and over again, her eyes filled with loves light, and a vulnerably beautiful hope. A wondering of the man, the truth, our God she loves so much.

I want to curl up in bed with her, and close my eyes. Have another moment, where we can hold each other, like we used to when I was kid. But, I’m scared I might hurt her, or overwhelm her some way. So I don’t, just hold her hand as she comes in and out of morphine sleep. Run my fingers through her perfectly white hair, and watch her chest heave in and out with each breath. Listen to the machine humming beside her. Relieved she has something to soothe the pain, and bring her some kind of comfort.

I’m eased by the fact, she can be at home for this, instead of shoved into the cold confines of a hospital room. There is always something to be grateful for, and I’m just grateful for her, right now, in this moment. My Grandma has never left my side. Not once. Not when I was in jail, not when I lived on the street, and not when I was in rehab. Not when I drank all her liquor, and manipulated her for money. Not when I ignored her, and treated her like she didn’t matter. She’s always been there. Hoping for me, having faith in me, and helping me build the life I have now. Without her, I would not be where I am today. It sounds cliché, but it’s the only way I can put it, and it’s true.

I owe her more than I can express, because words fail me right now. I can only repay her, by living my life through honor and love, and I will do my best with every opportunity I am given, because she has done so for me. And so has God. My heart tells me, that this is a life well lived, to pay it forward at all costs in the name of Jesus, the name that defines love.

Don’t be scared Grandma, the face of Christ, will be the first face you’ll see. And through my tears, I will rejoice for you.


17 thoughts on “Through My Tears, I Will Rejoice For You.

  1. I have shivers reading this Ange. Your GMA is such a kind and beautiful soul and I wish her an easy pain free journey. My heart goes out to you but I am relieved that you know when the time comes she will be at peace….and therefore so will you. Love you guys.

  2. Angie, it would probably be comforting for you to lay next to your Grandmother, not only for you but for her as well. Take that moment my friend…you will cherish it forever. It is a blessing she can be home for sure and have so much love around her at this difficult time that you are all facing. Let her know how grateful you are for all of her support and that by her standing by you through all of your lifes challenges you have become an amzing woman, wife and mother. Hold on to this moment with her and open your heart to her completely while you can. My thoughts and prayers are with
    you Angie.

  3. Ang, this post has had the most impact on me of all your posts. As I’m typing this, tears are running down my face. I feel like I have been told an intimate secret, about the feelings between a Grandmother and her Granddaughter. But it is open knowledge, what is written here. There is such strength in the fear you hold.
    Embrace Lenore, climb right in next to her. Hold her. Love her. ❤
    God bless you ❤

  4. Oh Angie, that was beautiful. Please give your Grandma a hug from me…she is a wonderful lady and I pray that she doesn’t suffer for too much longer…and I am with Penny….take the moment while you have it and go and lay with her and tell her everything you need and want to before its too you sis ❤ xxooo wish I could be there right now!

  5. Dear Angie–moved to tears and prayers for your special grandma–knowing not only has she been faithful to be by your side through the years, but helped so many other children also. God strengthen and bless you both and your dear Grandpa, too. Wish we could be there, as Neri said. Love you!!

    • We wish you could be here too Mom, and we love you guys so much. Thank you so much for your faithful prayers and love<3 I will tell them what you've said here..and tell them they are loved by the two of you..much love and God bless you both, my lovely parents xo

  6. This was so beautiful, thank you for sharing such an intimate time with your grandmother. My grandfather also died after his battle with cancer. It’s such a blessing that you get to be there with her!!

    • Thank you for reading my friend, and I’m sorry to hear about your Grandpa. Thank you for reminding of me of the great blessing to be able to be with her during this time. So many people don’t get this gift, as much as it can be painful..God is always good xo

  7. Hey Angie. My grand mother died two weeks ago and I was not able to visit her in her last days. Needless to say this post struck a chord with me. What you are doing with your family, your writing… it really is beautiful. What a lucky pair you are to have shared such a bond. I’ll be thinking of you as you help her through this time. Love, Marianne

    • I’m so sorry to hear about your Grandma Marianne, and I wish I could give you a big hug right now<3 Thank you for your support babe, and the encouragement you've given me with your kind words. I'll be praying for you love, and am looking forward to next time I get to see that beautiful face of yours. Much love woman xo and again, thank you..

  8. Hey Angie, thank you so much for sharing. I am praying for you, for your Grandma and for your whole family. What a bittersweet time knowing that she is so close to seeing Jesus but leaving us all behind. I pray for peace for all of you, wisdom for the doctors and nurses as they care for her, and for those who are taking time to let her know how important she is to all of you! I’m sending you tons of virtual hugs. God bless you Angie! Give your Grandma a kiss from me! 🙂

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