Meet Granny.

“You little bitch. You stupid little bitch. Get the fuck in the house. You know where I want you. You get your lying little ass to the table! And don’t you MOVE until I get there.” The weight of her hand on my shoulder, squeezing so hard I can feel her fake nails digging into my skin through my sweater, and it hurts. “You better get your fucking ass moving.”  The voice was solid and commanding, like a drone reverberating over iron. 

Like a long, cold, hiss… loaded with threat. Sending shivers up my little spine, and my small body would freeze up. 

It was coming, and there was nothing I could do to stop itThe helplessness of a child lost in a hideous and malicious adult playing field. Abandoned. 

I could hear her voice, even before we knocked on the door. That all too familiar shrill, the undertone of her raspy growl, all those  years of smoking pack after pack, of cigarettes. The voice, that I’m embarrassed to admit, still finds me in my sleep, and I wake up crying in a daze of a familiar hell.

           Trigger Warning : In this post I will diving into a very dark part of my past, and begin sharing my experience of satanic ritual abuse. I would like to take a moment and gently remind you that some of things you’ll be reading can be very powerful and deeply disturbing, to some.  Due to the nature of this post, and the ones following it, please be aware that if you yourself, are a survivor of abuse, in any form, reading my story may have the ability to create “triggers” which can lead to“flashbacks”. Flashbacks are defined as “a sudden and disturbing vivid memory of an event in the past, typically as the result of psychological, spiritual or physical trauma.” Flashbacks have a been a part of my life for a long time, and I understand just how debilitating they can be, and so for that reason, I ask that you proceed with caution, if you feel that a trigger is imminent, due to the nature of my story. With that being said, moving on…

Even though I was only four years old, I can still remember the walk up that drive way. The weather’s always damp and cold in my memory, the kind of weather that gets stuck in your bones, that chill you get over the surface of your skin, when it’s been raining all day, and you find yourself shivering for hours, unable to get warm. Maybe, some kind of fore boding added in my kiddo mind, because I know for certain, I visited that house many times and in all the different seasons we’re so blessed to have here in Canada. Anyways, it wasn’t the normal things you’d remember, not the flowers or bushes that I’m sure she had lining the walkway, nor the dog barking or any other normal perspective one would have as they are about to enter one’s house. Especially a family home. A place most people would feel safe. What I remember, is the feeling. The sudden anxiety that I had done something wrong. That heavy feeling, that kids can understand, that you get right before you get in trouble. Except, with Granny, I was never sure what I had done. Only this pit in my stomach, the fear coming in panicked waves, and this uncertainty of myself. This abrupt self-consciousness and harsh self examination. I wasn’t good enough to be here. I wasn’t good enough. My head hung low, the palms of my four year old hands are sweaty as I reach towards my mother’s. Her long red fingernails, and how tall she seemed to me then, all four foot eleven of her.

The knock on the door. My tummy in knots. The little heart beating faster. 

If my Mom was the one dropping me off, Granny made sure to be herself, no holding back. No smile, no nonsense. Right to business. I can’t really remember what she was like with any of my other family. The ones who never knew. She could of been a bouquet of stinking plastic roses for all I know, because I can’t remember one good thing about that woman. Who’s still alive by the way, both her daughters die of cancer before the age of fifty, but not her. After smoking a pack a day all her life, being one evil bitch, and contracting blood poisoning in her 80’s, you’d think the broad would croak already. But no. Go figure. Anyways. 

And so the front door would open, and there she’d be, standing there in her sheer robe, and I mean sheer robe, nipples exposed and everything else you wouldn’t dream of seeing on your Grandmother. Cigarette in hand, a scoff dripping from her tight lipped mouth. Disgusted with us. Her short hair and lanky body, bending to support the hand on her hip, peering at us through the slits of her suspicious eyes.

“Get the fuck in the house.” And immediately, as she walked in with obedience, my Mom would let go of my hand. The vibe changing instantly, and I knew why. And I also knew, I was alone now. Mommy was no longer my Mommy, not here anyways. Everyone belonged to Granny, even her, and that role trumped me, her daughter, every time. And so, I’d take off my little pink rain boots, the blond hair falling over my eyes, those super blunt 80’s bangs. And even in her hate for me, I wanted to hug Granny, and even though I knew better, I had tried a few times before. Only to be met with a rigid body, severe backlash and a hard,

“Don’t fucking touch me, you lying little bitch.”

So, it didn’t take long for me to let go of the hugs I would never receive, unless someone “who didn’t know” was watching. And I got used to the “table” routine. The same talk we had every time I visited. Within five minutes of that front door opening, that’s where I’d be sitting, waiting. Waiting for her to come meet me there, and take the worst verbal beating I’ve experienced. Over and over, and over again. Most of the time, the berating would take so long, I’d have to go pee. Only a couple times, did I ever ask to go. Because she would never let me. She would force me to hold it in, she took pleasure in watching me squirm and fuss, and if I had an accident, it was bad news. But we’ll talk about that another time. And so came the words, and the prays of spit. The yelling, the screaming. Her face lunged into mine, and the hate that came with it. Often, her words would end with her jabbing her fingernail into my shoulder, going something along the lines of this-

“You stupid, finger jab, fucking little bitch.”  Finger jab, then a loud sigh.“You know, if your father knew what a little cunt you were, he’d leave you for good. Finger jab. You’re lucky to have us, you know. Because I bet you spent the last two weeks playing your little lying games, and making everyone believe what a good little girl you are. Finger jab. But I know the truth, we all know the truth about you. You’re just a worthless piece of shit. You mean nothing. Look at you, finger jab, you’re just an ugly, lying little thief. Finger jab. And don’t even get me started on how you manipulate everyone around you, trying to make us think you’ve changed. You’ll never change, finger jab, you’ll always just be the stupid little lying bitch you are. Finger jab. Don’t you ever forget it.” And at four years old, I would sit there silently, soaking up every word, and believing them. Responding internally, with that childlike acceptance every little one has in their heart. To secure the truth in their mind when they hear it. And Grandma’s don’t lie. Daddy’s don’t lie. Mommy’s don’t lie. Right?

And so, she would go on in this way for hours, and sometimes I peed my pants, sometimes I didn’t. And when I didn’t it was a blessing. Running to the bathroom, holding the crotch of my pants and hitting the toilet with a kind of victory that’s hard to explain. This happened to me for years, along with the sexual, ritualistic and satanic abuse.  So, to the one’s who have walked with me throughout my life, for the ones curious about why I’ve been driven to hate myself all these years…

Well…

I was trained to.

 

“The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong in the broken places…”~ Ernest Hemmingway

 

 

 

 

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8 thoughts on “Meet Granny.

  1. I can’t even imagine what you went through…nor can I comprehend the the type of abuse that people still go through to this day, but it is stories like yours that bring me a better understanding of the darker corners in the world. I am glad that you have reached better days. Thank you so much for sharing your story. I pray that others who have suffered abuse or are suffering now can find that happier place also.
    Stay amazing, darling.

    • So nice to hear from you again 🙂
      Even though I’ve lived it, written it, it still amazes me, and is hard to believe at times, that it’s real.
      Thank you for your kindness, and stay amazing yourself ladyface xo

  2. Thank you for sharing your truth. I admire your courage. Im so sorry you had to go through that and the other hells. My daughter just turned five and I cant help thinking about her reading this (too much pain thinking of my self at that age) and how little and fragile a kid that age is. Im gonna hug her for a long time today when I see her (always do, but today even more). Thanks again for speaking up.

    • I also have a five year old son, so I completely understand. Having gone through what I have, have made me a very compassionate and empathetic Mother, and for that I am grateful. Thank you so much for taking he time out of your busy life, I’m sure, to read my story. God bless you xo

  3. Angie, you are a beautiful woman in spirit and my wife and I have been reading your blogs for many years now but after reading this horror story I felt like I wanted just to tell you how much I can see that people love you. I have prayed many times for you as I read through these posts and realize that I don’t think I could go through this much and do not know what I would do if I was in your husbands shoes either. As a pastor you have been an inspiration to me as well as a help in thought with many individuals who come seeking and are hurting, many far more extreme hurt then I ever have understood personally. We are in such ugliness with the kinds of things people do and I can’t imagine a tiny 4 year old in so much pain, but I hope you know now that people read not just because it’s interesting but because you and your story have found a way into the heart inspiring a desire from us to show love to all those who reach out while in pain, who show the need they have and are willing to receive some facet of love. You are strong and I encourage you to continue to grow and focus your eyes on Him.

    • Wow, Nate, I can hardly find the words. Your comment here, has spoken the kind of life into me that is heart changing. Thank you for your kind and loving encouragement, of which I do not take lightly, nor of the time you and your wife has spent in intercessory prayer on my behalf. I thank you both from the bottom of my heart, and will also be praying for you and yours. God bless you, and the footsteps Jesus takes with you as you both journey throughout your life. And the diligent work I’m sure you have put into your congregation. I pray that the things you put your hands too, and your hearts too, will multiply, as God sees fit to bless you with, and I wish nothing but the best of God’s will in both your lives. Again, thank you.

  4. How sad that your grandmother built herself up by tearing other people down, and her own children and granddaughter at that! That you’re able to share your story without total contempt shows how you are growing in your spiritual maturity.
    I can relate to how she made you feel… my own grandmother was a drunk who babysat me after kindergarten. The bruises on the outside paled to those on the inside. When she finally died of sclerosis, I pissed on her grave… seemed like the right thing to do at the time. Thankfully, God has given me better tools than revenge to cope with my personal battles.
    God has blessed you with this gift of writing, Angie, and you bless us with your posts. Keep them coming as you’re able… love and respect.

    • Dave,
      I’m so sorry you can relate, though it comforts me, I hate to hear of anyone else going through such a thing. I totally understand your reaction at her grave, but thank God we’ve been taught a better way through Jesus. By not letting them continue to pull our strings, and hover over our lives anymore. They don’t deserve anything from us. The only thing I’m grateful for, is that her hate for me, created a kind of empathy within me for people. In general. And it has made me a better mother,of which I’m sure you can relate also. Thank you for your support and kindness Dave, I’m not sure if I can put into words, how much the support from my readers, effects my life in such a beautiful way. But it does. God bless you brother and thank you for sharing a piece of your journey, with me.

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