Call Your Bluff.

It’s been a really long time since I wrote anything, and because of that, this entry will probably be far from elegant or perfect.

I haven’t touched a piece of paper or keyboard, in hopes of sharing my heart, out of fear and hurt for far too long now. No journal entry, not even a note in my phone, and for a little while,  I thought I’d never write again. For a writer, to say, I am done with this, is a form of death. And to leave behind every creative outlet in my soul, felt like a kind of death.

Since my last entry, I lost another baby, this time I was four and a half months pregnant, and gave birth to a little lifeless boy, in tears on my living room floor, before rushing to the hospital.  Nine Months later, I found out my biological Mother had terminal cancer. She lost her battle to the disease, on September first, of this year. At that point, I had come to a total stop. Grief had made its way through me, devouring my hope and faith. I’m not saying I didn’t love Jesus anymore, or that I had taken my life back from Him.  I’m saying, I was not strong enough, to overcome it this time. I had been fighting too long, and too hard, to stand up against it anymore. Take in mind, I was also still healing, from learning that I was horribly abused and molested as child. The repressed memories had pushed themselves through, and surfaced that same year. The battle against the nightmares and hatred still raging strong. I can say, even in the safety of my own home, and the love of my husband and son. this was one of the hardest parts of my life. I guess I can say, I’ve gone though worse. Even if that’s hard to believe. The difference with this time, and the times before it, were that I had become weary in a way I had not before.

I fell into a state of detachment, and because that was so far from natural to me, I felt almost dehumanized. When I looked in the mirror, I saw a joke. When I searched my heart, I felt like a joke. My body, a useless vessel that could not hold life. My heart and soul, unseen, unappreciated, and discarded. My hopes and dreams….garbage that no one but myself cared about. And I didn’t have the strength to fight for them anymore. Every time, I picked myself up again, by the grace of God, something would come and slam me back down to the ground. For while, I felt like I had a target on my back, and I often still feel that way. How can one life hold so much pain? the searing question being…when will this finally stop?

I had cared, and loved, and fought and stood for so long. And because the chaos seemed never-ending, I lost myself. The saddest of it was , even if the urge to feel hope again walked towards me, all the other bullshit pain I carried, ate it up before I could even hold it.  I kept a brave face for my son, but inside, I was terrified I would never be me again.  I knew how pathetic it was, or at least it was pathetic in my opinion. I hated myself for feeling this way. After so many years of climbing the mountain of faith with Jesus, look where it brought me. To a dead-end, and I felt like I was being mocked by my own hope. My feelings and beliefs about my God had not changed, what had changed was the idea that I could follow through with His will for my life. I stopped believing I could, and I think, out of everything, that’s what hurt the most.

As for today, I feel less like a joke, but I still fight with it every day. Because I lost so many people close to me this past year, rejection still burns me on a daily basis. I have to tell myself everyday, that I am seen, even if it’s not by the people I want to be seen by. I don’t feel as pathetic anymore, because I know, I’m a powerful and strong, and wise person. I know, I was being very mean to myself with those thoughts and words, and I need to re learn how to be kind to myself once more. I know that bad things will still happen, and I’m slowly starting to understand, how beautiful it really is, that myself, and my little family, are still standing strong in the name of hope, in the name of Jesus, and in the name of all things good in this universe. Even though, at times, it appears we are all crawling, it means the world that we are still moving. I still cry almost every day, and I’m still very afraid of whats to come. But, for the first time in a while….I’m willing to say,

This WILL NOT take me out.

To the enemy, to the darkness that took over my heart and mind…… I call your bluff. And if you have anything to say, you can take it up with Jesus.

“I will persist until I succeed. I was not delivered into this world in defeat, nor does failure course in my veins. I am not a sheep waiting to be prodded by my shepherd. I am a lion and I refuse to talk, to walk, to sleep with the sheep. The slaughterhouse of failure is not my destiny. I will persist until I succeed.” ~Unknown 

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22 thoughts on “Call Your Bluff.

  1. Stay strong Girl, your writings inspire me with their truthfulness. I who have been so fixed on appearing fine and proper (while many times being a total mess) wish I could be more honest, brutally so. You are and you though maybe at times in fear, you appear fearless in the raw honesty of your writing. I hadn’t seen anything new from you in a while and attributed it to the move, life etc. I’m sorry for your loss. If I can offer anything, it is a prayer for you and your family’s well being and a simple thought.
    The Enemy would love for you to give up. Then your pen would fall silent and those you inspire would not have that hope and inspiration that you bring through your gift. i pray that never happens, you’re too valuable and talented to let that happen. Don’t change.
    prayers.

    • GAH!!! WAYNE!!! Yep, made me cry. Your words filled me with a validation I very much needed. You are a true friend, thank you so much brother. I hardly know what to say, because your words took it right out of me! lol God bless you brother, in all you do, touch, create and dream of.

  2. You know, or you’d better remember, just how incredibly important you are to me. Sometimes to fight simply means getting out of bed. Love will always persist, gnawing at your very soul, because it is something we all have, regardless of the pain and lies that we are told, or that we perceive. Love, my sweet little girl, is ALWAYS worth the risk, because, even in the darkest moments of fear and rejection, to love someone, to love yourself, is a gift. Never give up, regardless of the outcome, because one day, you will look back, and feel joy in knowing that you gave your heart. Even when it is returned!

    • Momma!!!! I LOVE LOVE LOVE YOU!!!! Your words were an honor to read, and sent so much love through my heart. I promise I’ll never give up. No matter what, and I’m so grateful to have a woman in my life, who doesn’t give up either. The paths our lives have been taking this last year have been so similar, and I cherish the times we have when we talk, and connect. And as the darkness continues to fade, and the light continues to seep in, I pray we can keep sharing that together. There is nothing more beautiful than a family who overcomes. A family who fights, and loves and believes. And that is exactly the kind of family we are, and continue to grow into. I love you, and Im proud of all us, for making it this far, and the beauty and richness of things to come.

  3. So happy you have returned to your blog Ange. I’ve missed you and think of you often.
    I don’t think you realize how much you inspire me, I, too, have been down deep in that dark hole.
    I agree with Josh….really glad to hear that your heart is still beating! 👍

    • Penny, wow. You made me cry woman!! Even though we hardly see each other, I still think of you as family and always will. It warms my heart, to know, that our hearts can connect through this, and a huge thank you for supporting me in my writing, and in my life. Much love wonderful lady xo

  4. Youve been a symbol of strength to me since the day i met you ang. Nothing will defeat you, you will always come out stronger ❤ and that helps motivate others like me who feel pretty weak and hopeless at times.

    • Tracy, that meant so much to me. Thank you so much for sharing your heart with me. Your words filled me with hope and strength, which truly means so much to me. I really needed to hear that. I love you woman. We all have days, sometimes many, where we feel weak. I have them a lot, and that’s why I write about them. I’m honored to be a voice in your life, and for you to be one in mine. Loves.

  5. Angie, since the day I met you I always knew you had a fight bigger then life itself in you… Unknown of reasons behind the feelings I got from you, I truly believe you were put here for a big reason, maybe bigger then what we can understand now… Your words have always moved me, in your writing, your posts/ status’ even if it was just chatting with you on our smoke break back in the day 🙂 you have always amazed me with your strength, you have a glowing way about you,to be able to make life seem livable no matter what is thrown at you, which is something I’m sure many people appreciate, so happy you called the bluff, this world would just not be the same without you or your beautiful words and and your never ending faith… Xo

  6. And she’s back!! I haven’t written or logged into this account in months… I came back just to read this when I saw you posted something new via FB. This is was just what I needed to hear! Your faith and raw honesty is inspiring. Troubles never end, but neither does God’s grace. May He continually keep you!!

    • Are you serious? that’s so wikked lady. Thank you so much for taking the time to read my thoughts. I’m so glad to hear that something I said helped you in some way, it means the world to me. God bless you woman xo

  7. Hello,

    I just told a very deep secret to a very good friend of mine and he gave me this link. And I cant stop crying to read your tough story and I look through myself. I hope I can know you more and share the stories. Keep fighting and God bless. Big hug from Indonesia.

    • I’m so glad you were able to share your secret with someone. Though we may not know each other, I know how it feels to carry a darkness within no one can see. To let it see light, if only just briefly, is the road to healing. I’m honoured you are taking the time to read my posts, and I too cried, reading your response. Know that you will be in my prayers, and am thinking of you.

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