The Day They Paved The Road.

When I left the house this morning, my eyes were already filling up with tears. Closing the front door, flipping my iPod to Jesus Culture, and making sure my sunglasses were masking my tired, puffy eyes.

It’s been a really hard year, and recovering from it has been… an uphill battle.

Last fall, we lost a baby. That December my Grandmother died of Cancer, and the day after her passing, a close friend of the family was shot three times, sticking the knife of grief even further into our bellies. Two weeks ago, we lost a very close member of Biker’s Church, a husband and father, laying to rest another piece of our family. That same week, my biological mother, “texted” me to tell me she wants nothing to do with me, only days before I would go with her to bury my Grandmother’s ashes. Somewhere in between all this, I had repressed memories of sexual abuse surface, leaving me a mess. Trying to accept that you were molested, is uh…heavy, to say the least.

So, like I said I was already crying when I opened the door this morning. Hoping that a walk alone, would give me enough space to feel something and let go. I did feel something. I felt God. I walked, my music turned up loud enough to drown out the panic of my mind. Have you ever felt trapped in grief? of course you have, you’re human. And if you haven’t yet, you will.We all do, and we all have to learn, to call on hope and power, when there’s nothing but pain and fear. I know that Jesus was walking with me this morning, telling me, He’s here with me. I see Him in my mind, bare feet next to mine. Step by step, walking through life with me. And it’s in those moments, I have to choose to believe Him. And just LET HIM walk next to me. My tears didn’t stop, if anything they flowed harder.Just because God is with you, doesn’t mean the pain goes away. If anything, He draws it out of you, and it’s you’re choice to leave it in His hands, and commit to letting Him work things out for you. The only thing I’m ever called to do is…trust Him. So as I walked, I just listened for His voice. Crying still. Letting Him draw out of me, the anger, the fear, the pain, I had bottled up inside my chest. That thing I do, that happens so fast, I hardly notice it. Until one day, I just break…and everyone’s just kind of staring at me. But I know God sees me, because He kept telling me that this morning. Even if my own Mother doesn’t see me, after all I’ve overcome….trying so hard…to finally be noticed by her…..God sees me.That God notices everything I feel, and understands…always and ever understanding and good, and kind.

The day we lost the baby, it was because I fell. I feel, jogging in the rain. And on my walk this morning, I found myself on that road. When I realized, I was almost at the corner where I fell, my heart started racing. I noticed they were re-paving the road this morning…the spot where I had hit the ground running, smashing my knee into the rough concrete…was covered by black stinky concrete. I cried. If there had been any trace of the blood from my knee, it was gone. The deep cracks in the road, where I had tripped, they were filled. It’s sounds crazy, to cry at this right?! It’s a good thing they fixed it. But I was pissed. To me, this spot, is like a memorial. I felt like someone had stomped on the flowers I had left at her grave. And the rest of the walk home, I remembered that day. How I had limped home bleeding, the cramps radiating through my body. The robotic numbing daze I was in. Because the moment I hit the ground, I knew. She was gone.Maybe next time, I’ll walk another route…or maybe I’ll always go the same way…because the last time I held her inside me, it was at that spot.

Anyway, I don’t know if any of this makes sense, and in all honesty, I just needed to write it out, because for the rest of the day, I will be entertaining my three year old son, and putting a smile across this sad face. I just have to say that, just because I’m sad, doesn’t mean I don’t have hope. For the first time, in a while, I have hope through the tears. I wish my Mom would stop being a selfish and sick woman, but she won’t. I wish that my Grandma was still alive, but she’s home now instead. I wish we had our little girl in our arms, but I will one day in heaven. I wish I hadn’t been molested, but I was. And I’m a powerful and brave person because of it. I wish that I could just hug Jesus every day, but instead, I’ll just have to trust that He’s walking next me in His bare feet with his hands around my heart. I wish that people didn’t have to die, but they do, and one day…I’ll be with each of them for  eternity. So until then, you’ll find me….ever fighting.

Because I promised…I’d never give up.

 

 

 

 

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7 thoughts on “The Day They Paved The Road.

  1. Everything happens for a reason. We may never know why, we just have to trust that God has his own reasons for our challenges, tragedies and triumphs.
    I love how you write from your heart and share your emotions. I feel closer to you and am so proud of you and all you’ve accomplished.
    Being rejected or abandoned is tough and hurts. Is not because you have a problem, It’s because they have a problem and blame you for it rather than take responsibility. You may never get the acceptance and love you deserve from your Mother. You will get it from those who are in your life and love and support you. You have a huge family who surround you and would do anything for you. Your husband and son are what matters. You would not be you if you hadn’t walked the past.
    As for feeling guilty for falling, perhaps that was in the plan. Have you ever considered that maybe the baby wasn’t healthy and God chose to take her because he has another healthy child for you in the future. That he is caring for her so she would not suffer and in turn cause you to suffer even more? Angie losing a child is the most difficult loss to deal with yet God is asking you to trust him.
    you’ve been through so much and it may seem unbearable but God only gives you what you can handle. He has plans for you, plans you cannot imagine. He see’s your heart and knows that 10 years ago you could never have imagined where you’d be today.
    You are an inspiration to me and a wonderful person. Stay strong and when you can’t let Jesus carry you till you can get back up.
    God Bless you Angie.

    • Thank you so much…your words mean so much, and have really hit my heart, in the best way possible. Love jumping out from the computer screen!!! God bless you, and I’m so grateful, to have people like you in my life<3

  2. Angie, consistently what you write has had an amazing impact on my life and i’ve shared your writings with a friend of mine who was abused when she was young. I love what diane said. God never gives us more than we can handle. Well angie I have one thing to say to you. You must be the strongest woman I know. Losing a baby…I can’t even touch that because I have no idea how much that hurt. But I do know that God loves you. He loves you in the midst of your sorrow, anger, hate, and shame.

    Angie, one of my friends tells me that I am a spiritual warrior princess. Well so are you. You war through every trial. You kill every giant that comes your way trying to tear you away from God. You are one lean mean giant trial killin’ machine.

    Keep on killin those giants Angie.

    I’m rootin for you.

    Hils

  3. Well Friend you certainly haven’t lead a charmed life have you? I am so glad that Jesus makes us more than victors on this road of life. I love what Hilary said “Keep on Killin’ those giants!” and I too am rootin’ for you. Blessings.

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