Repressed.

Maybe it was month ago. Maybe less, I don’t care. I was laying on the couch, in intimate prayer with my husband, and all of sudden this darkness, this truth came vomiting out of my body. I felt sick to myself, this feeling I knew all to well. This feeling I had been running from my entire life. Hiding from in dark pits, shaking, and terrified. For the first time, I let it come out. I let it rise up, even though I had never felt anything more evil and sickening. Vomit rising up my throat as it came. And suddenly I knew. I knew it all. The only words I could have ever given it, this thing, was “the kind of evil that shuts the mouths of children.” That’s all I’ve ever been able to say, but because I was in God at this very moment, and for whatever reason the timing was right…out it came. This black evil thing writhing and twisting it’s way out of me. The path out was an ease, but the awareness of it, repulsive.

I had been molested as child. By family I have not seen in over 21 years.

God was so gentle in bringing it up, but the weeks following, have been so very hard. Not only was I trying to accept this awful truth, but I was very very angry. Angry because, I have lived through this filter of abuse my entire life, and I didn’t even realize it. I do now, and for that I’m grateful, but the realization, the utter astounding realization, was a lot to bare. The guilt, the shame, to intense fear. I have lived through these very filters for so long, and they have destroyed my life up until now. Yes, I have made it through, yes it has made me who I am. Bla bla bla. But, honestly, I did not want to hear it. I needed to be angry. I needed to feel, like my life, my actions, THERE WAS A REASON FOR ALL THIS. I wasn’t just some bad kid, I wasn’t damaged and crazy, I was molested. I was molested. I WAS MOLESTED. And now, I CAN move on. Own this, TAKE MYSELF BACK, and say, I had every right to feel how I did, act how I did, and hate as much as I hated. I had a right not trust anybody. I had a right to be so fucked up.

Now that I know that, I don’t have to hate myself anymore. Now that I know this, I can hold my head up, walk tall, and finally just breathe. I don’t have to search, I don’t have to beg. I don’t have to live in the dark anymore.

I am a beautiful survivor….I may feel dirty sometimes, but that’s not my fault, and it’s something God and I will take of together. I may be insecure sometimes, but who isn’t. There is nothing WRONG with me, it’s all valid. It all makes sense, it’s all clear and visible. I won’t let this define me, but I refuse to be ashamed to own it. To say, yes this happened, I’m one of those people who carries this story.

I am a survivor of sexual abuse. I’m proud to be alive, to still have hope in my heart, and to be of grace and compassion despite this. They did not steal my heart, just my mind and body for a time. Of which now belong to me, my husband, and God. Fuck em. I refuse to allow these sick people to pull at my puppet strings any longer, they don’t even deserve to speak my name.

I am free.

I am beautiful.

I am clean.

I am valuable.

I am radiant.

Because my Father says so, because Jesus says so. My enemies are under my feet, and God willing, that’s where they will stay.

And so, this is my admission, I am a survivor in more ways that could have have ever imagined, and I’m really fucking proud of myself, for who I am today. I’M ALIVE, and willing to love. Beat that satan.

 

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21 thoughts on “Repressed.

  1. My heart swells with more love for you, through you, with every post. In a million ways on a million days, you speak for so many women. God may have given you this, so that you can speak to/through the rest of us without a voice.

  2. Baby Girl, you are MY baby girl. You are free, you are beautiful, you are clean, you are so very valuable, you are radiant. YOU are so VERY LOVED.

  3. bless you sis..I’m sorry you went through that, but you are rising above it and I am proud of you..love you so much and can’t wait for my hug SOON! YAY! 😀 xxoo

  4. You are a child of God, a survivor and a strong chick. Glad to hear it! It’s amazing what you’ve gone through, I praise God to have found you and your site. I’ve been in a strange place these past few days too, no reason, just real anxious, dark and heavy feeling. When you were describing the demon coming out….the darkness….the vomitting…my eyes went wide open! Whatever it is I’m feeling, I want if off of me and out of me. Thank God for you and for writing this post. Stay true to yourself. and I agree (f—’em). ~~~Michele

    • Thank you so much babe!! I’ll deff be praying for you, that you find the clarity you need, and the freedom from that darkness. Look into your heart, and ask God. Jesus is imprinted there..you have all you need in Him. Your comments and support, make a real difference in my life, and in my heart. Thank you for who you are, and God bless you love..are you on facebook? we could add each other 🙂 Easier to keep in touch that way!

  5. I’m so proud of you Ange. It takes guts to stand up to Satan, and you have.
    But you also have shared your inner most personal thoughts and for that I give you kudos as well.
    Keep up the great work Kiddo!

    Love ya Girl
    Penny xo

  6. Thank you for posting this. I pray that someday I will be able to have a moment like this for myself, to really admit, out loud to others what is true and finding healing. It was encouraging to read. I have tears and that hasn’t happened to me for a long time. Thank you.

  7. Pingback: To Clear Up Some Things… | THISBEATINGHEART

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