I’ve never dealt with death before. Not like this.
I don’t know what to say, but I’m going to try.
One of the most important people in my life, is gone. Someone who protected me, and held me…isn’t there anymore. I’m scared. I always thought I protected myself, or that I didn’t need anyone to do it for me. But, as the loss started to settle inside my heart, I realized how afraid I was, walking through this life without her.
A piece of me, feels completely alone. She raised me, she was my Mother in so many ways. I almost feel like, I’m being forced to grow up, on some level. And I wasn’t ready for it. Even though I’m 28 years old, married, with a kid, there’s a part of me that feels like I was just pushed out onto a limb…and I don’t know how to walk all of sudden.
It’s probably a really good thing, in the long run. To have that part of me, that safe place, taken away. And form it into safety in Jesus, to turn the weakness into strength…but for now…I’m scared. I don’t know if I can do it.
I’ve been through a lot this last year…things I’ve had to battle with. Rise up against. Heal from. The miscarriage, I had a few months ago, still lingers. I still miss my baby every single day. I still cry. I battled health problems all summer, and after a few months pain free, it returned this week. I felt so defeated…having thought maybe it was over. Being in that kind of pain, and looking after my beautiful son, is really hard. He’s three years old, and has so much energy. I’m scared. I really am.
Even though I’m so afraid, of so many things right now….I am grateful.
I’m grateful I have somewhere to put my fear…in Jesus.
It’s been hard, even thinking about that. Sometimes I just want to get up and leave. Call on some old friends and get trashed. Do some drugs. Forget about all this. But, I know better. Nothing, no amount of alcohol, or drugs, can take this from me. At some point or another, everything needs to be handed over to God. I won’t destroy myself, trying to avoid that.
I’m far from ignorant. And sometimes, that pisses me off. There are days I wish I could STILL BE IGNORANT. But, I can’t. When I gave my heart to Jesus, he took that lie from me. The truth is ever staring me in the eyes.
That, if I want to heal, or have an ounce of strength to face any of this..I need Jesus. And I have Jesus, we all do. If we want Him.
And even though I’m angry…
Even though..I’m scared.
Even if..I’m exhausted…and don’t trust another day.
I can trust Him.
I have no idea what’s going to happen…and I hate that feeling. But, I can surrender. I can, pray. I can call to mind the truth. I can look all this fear in the face…and say..what? I know you. I’ve dealt with you before…and hold the hand of Jesus with tears running down my face…knowing in that…I’m at my strongest. Because I have nothing in my hands…but Him.