Nothing In My Hands.

I’ve never dealt with death before. Not like this.

I don’t know what to say, but I’m going to try.

One of the most important people in my life, is gone. Someone who protected me, and held me…isn’t there anymore. I’m scared. I always thought I protected myself, or that I didn’t need anyone to do it for me. But, as the loss started to settle inside my heart, I realized how afraid I was, walking through this life without her.

A piece of me, feels completely alone. She raised me, she was my Mother in so many ways. I almost feel like, I’m being forced to grow up, on some level. And I wasn’t ready for it. Even though I’m 28 years old, married, with a kid, there’s a part of me that feels like I was just pushed out onto a limb…and I don’t know how to walk all of sudden.

It’s probably a really good thing, in the long run. To have that part of me, that safe place, taken away. And form it into safety in Jesus, to turn the weakness into strength…but for now…I’m scared. I don’t know if I can do it.

I’ve been through a lot this last year…things I’ve had to battle with. Rise up against. Heal from. The miscarriage, I had a few months ago, still lingers. I still miss my baby every single day. I still cry. I battled health problems all summer, and  after a few months pain free, it returned this week. I felt so defeated…having thought maybe it was over. Being in that kind of pain, and looking after my beautiful son, is really hard. He’s three years old, and has so much energy. I’m scared. I really am.

Even though I’m so afraid, of so many things right now….I am grateful.

I’m grateful I have somewhere to put my fear…in Jesus.

It’s been hard, even thinking about that. Sometimes I just want to get up and leave. Call on some old friends and get trashed. Do some drugs. Forget about all this. But, I know better. Nothing, no amount of alcohol, or drugs, can take this from  me. At some point or another, everything needs to be  handed over to God. I won’t destroy myself, trying to avoid that.

I’m far from ignorant. And sometimes, that pisses me off. There are days I wish I could STILL BE IGNORANT. But, I can’t. When I gave my heart to Jesus, he took that lie from me. The truth is ever staring me in the eyes.

That, if I want to heal, or have an ounce of strength to face any of this..I need Jesus. And I have Jesus, we all do. If we want Him.

And even though I’m angry…

Even though..I’m scared.

Even if..I’m exhausted…and don’t trust another day.

I can trust Him.

I have no idea what’s going to happen…and I hate that feeling. But, I can surrender. I can, pray. I can call to mind the truth. I can look all this fear in the face…and say..what? I know you. I’ve dealt with you before…and hold the hand of Jesus with tears running down my face…knowing in that…I’m at my strongest. Because I have nothing in my hands…but Him.

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22 thoughts on “Nothing In My Hands.

  1. Wow, wow, and wow! You have learned so much to trust Him and you have such wisdom! He will get you through this, He will! You will continue to lean on Him, trusting Him with all of you. That my sweet Ang, is the most amazing gift back to Him. Stay cuddle in Him and He will give you the strength to heal. There will be forever a hole left in your heart, but in time you will remember more of the beauty of her life and less of the pain of her absence. You will for years, continue to glean from all that she has taught you, so much of it has still yet to surface. Much LOVE to you. xoxo

  2. Keep your head up! There are a lot of different cliches I could through out but one thing I was told when I lost my mother & sister was very true. You have to find your new “normal”. Things from this moment on will always be different, doesn’t mean they will be worse, just different. Once you discover that new “normal” & realize it is ok to be scared, happy, and all the things you were before you’ll be headed in the right direction.

  3. Angie,
    Every time I read a post, your raw, sometimes brutal honesty ministers. Maybe we as a church should stop sugar-coating how God designed human beings and deal with us as we really are, warts and all. For as Paul says-
    “And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness, Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ’s sake: for when I am weak, then I am strong.”
    2 Cor 12:9-10
    Despite how you feel, you are strong, because you are strong in him!
    Blessings,
    Wayne

  4. I am sorry for your loss and hurting heart. Thank you for being so honest and not trying to put a pretty face on sorrow. When I was 5 years old, my mother went on a trip and left me in the care of friends. I felt so alone. When I was 28, she moved 600 miles away from me. That day I sat down and cried and felt just the same way I had felt when I was 5 years old. When she died 8 years ago, I felt like that little girl again. Today, I remember her with love, and even laughter–laughing out loud at things she said or did. I have sweet memories, and peace. You will have those things some day. For now, I pray that God wraps His loving arms around and gives your heart peace and comfort.

    • Thank you so much for your encouragement and honesty. It’s nice to know people understand, and that my feelings aren’t uncommon..it means a lot to have you stop in to lift me up..God bless you my friend xo

  5. I’m really sorry to hear of your loss. I can feel your pain. I haven’t had alot of death in my life yet but I can certainly relate to the giving up part and just wanting to use & forget about it for awhile. I even had a guy at work today tell me I should start drinking again. Jerk. One of the last times I drank with a guy, he had to call an ambulance and the cops on me. I showed him!! LOL All I can say friend is stay strong and don’t give into the devil’s lies. I know you’re being strong and I’m proud of you, I really mean that. It’s not easy. I really believe that we will probably face the hardest times in our life during our sobriety. But we CAN face them at least. We don’t have to run from those scary feelings like we use to. We can let ourselves feel the pain and then release it. We can go “through” our pain this time, and see it to the end. And it will end so hang it there. Let yourself grieve and feel those crappy feelings and then release it to Jesus. Many blessings to you my sister!

  6. Awesome Angie, Once again you’ve struck a chord in me. I often yearn for ignorance so I don’t have to face or deal with things. I am learning to trust in God and Jesus and give my fear to them. Letting go and Letting God.. To trust that doing so will get me through the darkness. The shock of losing someone so close wears off and leaves fear and pain in it’s place. Sadness. It was hard to accept my Mom’s death. The shock numbed me but it wore off and left raw pain and sadness. I got through it and you will get through it and when you think you can’t …..look at the footprints in the sand. You are not alone. God Bless you Angie for your words and wisdom.

  7. hey there,
    my name is Hilary.
    I recently started writing…cause it seems that getting out everything I’m feeling really helps me deal.
    I know that dealing with death is hard. I won’t say I understand how you feel…cause I’m not you. But I will say that the insight into our responses to change within our daily lives is refreshing. You’re daring to be vulnerable and honest. Your writing really inspires me.
    There’s a book I know that I think you would like. You may have read it before… but.. “Crazy Love” by Francis Chan. It helps you see your days in a different light, and maybe for you, who is starting a new chapter of life…this may be a good book to read. Keep writing and being who you are. If you are the woman I know you are…just based on your writing….then I know you can do this…
    Matthew 19:26
    🙂
    God loves you. He has plans. Just keep holding on to Him.
    sincerely,
    your sister in Christ…

    • I just started that book a few months ago, and put it down, and forgot about it!!! Thank you so much for the reminder…because you’re right..it’s amazing. Thank you so much for your kindness sister, I read this late at night, and all I could do was smile. You are so lovely, and caring. Beautiful person. Taking of moment to speak life into me, was honourable, and selfless…again, thank you so much. Keeping you in my prayers sister<3

  8. Heartfelt, honest, gut-wrenching. 😦 I am so sorry for all your pain. May you have His strength in your weakness to press on through hard things. May He grant you joy and peace that doesn’t make any sense with your circumstances, and may your life this year be ruled by the Holy Spirit’s love and not my the enemy’s fear.

  9. I’m so sorry for your loss. May He who IS forever help you to mourn deeply and well.

    I read the book, “The Shack” when I was mourning – it helped me tremendously.

    It takes a very very long time to mourn and mourn well. Please be very very patient with yourself. Count years, not months. Finishing the process is very very important. Losing someone so very important changes you – but for the better.

    By the way, it’s very nice to meet you. 🙂

    • It’s very awesome to meet you! Thank you so much for taking the time to comment like this..it means so much to have people tell me it’s okay and normal to feel how I feel. It helps SO much. God bless you xo

  10. Ange….Dear, dear Ange….
    You have sent me into a tailspin….reading your words are so real….I can relate on so many levels.
    Losing someone you love is never easy, but losing someone who has played such a role in your life does leave a void.
    I felt and still feel the void to this day. My brother and I were like “one” what he didn’t think of, I did. Pain was a big reality when he left me to be with God.
    Then one year later, I lost my baby that I had been carrying for 5 months…I still yearn to hug that small human that I didn’t know. What kind of character would he have been, what did he look like? So many questions.
    However, I truly believe if God brings us to it, he’ll bring us through it. He never gives us more than we can handle and we should never question his ways….he does have plans for us. We may never know what they are, but with some people it is obvious….for example our Rev Rob…he was put here to preach God’s word and we all know what a great job he does. But, we each have a role to play and for sure it’s sharing and caring and loving one another….
    And Girlie, Girl….you are doing it all….sharing caring and loving….
    Love and miss you Ange and I feel for you and your losses….Penny xo

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