It’s been a long week.
I lost a friend, whom I’m desperately trying to hold onto. I have a really hard time letting go, and to be honest, I really don’t want to. I just felt backed into a corner, and the hurt became so great, I had to walk away for a bit. I don’t know what’s going to happen, or if I made the right choice. And that sucks, because I love him as though he were my own flesh and blood. My Grandma, who has cancer, is being put on a morphine drip this week, which means she’ll be in a fog most of the time, and I don’t know if she’ll recognize me anymore. She’s in her late eighties, and already has problems with her memory. It’s absolutely breaking my heart. My three year old son, who I’m crazy in love with, has started yelling at me, and even hitting me, and I’m at a total loss of what to do. Nothing seems to work, and I’m tired. I feel like I’m hitting a brick wall everywhere I turn.
My biological Mother, and I, aren’t really talking, because hard core boundaries were crossed on her part, and I can’t find it in my heart, to let her back in. Even though, the guilt is eating me up, and she is struggling with my Grandmother’s illness, which makes me wish I could just hold her, but the truth is, I’m terrified to get my heart broken again.
Today, I feel totally human.
So, instead of writing another memoir post…I’m going to love myself, and pray. I’m going to lie on my couch and maybe cry a bit more. I’m going to nap, and read the bible, and reach out to my family, and tell them, today sucks ass, and I need you guys. Then, tomorrow, with trust in my heart, I’ll be stronger for another day, and try to tackle some of these things with Jesus at my side. But for now, I’m just going to let Him hold me for a while.