I had no idea where Tyler was.
He always had other places to be. I never asked anymore.
We stumbled through the dark city, stopping to take in mouthfuls of liquor. The only people filling the early morning hours, other than a few Taxi’s. The busses weren’t even running anymore. It was still. Quiet. And we were drunk. Puffing on cigarettes and meandering around audaciously.
Downtown wasn’t that big, he’d be around here eventually. Hopefully. I needed his fake I.D to rent the hotel room, and if we didn’t find him, our only option, was too squat around on some filthy sidewalk and finish the pungent remains of the glass bottle. But before the thought sunk in, I saw him walking under a bridge across the street. Kicking his heals in that thug swagger. Rushing my steps to meet him, I realized just how excited I was to tell him we had money now. Competitive, like a boy would be. In a “I don’t need you, I can take care of myself” kind of way. And if you could’ve looked into my heart, you would have known it was total bullshit. Mostly. I advertised it anyways, with a sneak peek at the brown bills stashed in my pocket. She, animatedly recounting the details of our elicit visit in the hefty students apartment. Yanking on his arm, like she always had. Grabbing and pulling, the vibrant smile splashed across her pale face. I could tell he was relieved, not by the underhanded story, but by the money. Weren’t we all just a bunch of tainted crooks.
Vulnerable in our transparencies.
“So which hotel do you want to stay in? I’ll call some friends, we can party.” he says, putting his arm around me, leaning in. If only I had a fake I.D. Then I could bitterly abandon him. Instead of, chasing him around like the pathetic girl I was.
Sometimes insecurity radiates off of me like heat on a tin roof.
Sometimes I despise myself with a hatred to strong I shake.
Sometimes, I want to slice my wrists open and bleed out into oblivion.
But, for now, in this moment, I’ll just keep drinking.
There’s always another day to kill oneself.