I was running through some trees in the early morning hours, the fresh air hitting my face. The breathe escaping my mouth in wisps of condensed fog. Sweat going cold on my forehead. My cheeks, red and hot, and it hit me like a blow in the stomach. I felt rebellious. Not having had a cigarette in 3 days. Having woken up early, eaten a good breakfast and throwing on my joggers. Having not watched that damn box we call television in months. I suddenly became angry. The blood pulsing through my body. Giving me life. The heart beat loud, yelling. Growling. An animal inside. No longer in hibernation. This bear, stretching out and roaring in hunger. Suddenly aware of this artificial beat, a pulse. A pulse, that I had been deceived into thinking was a natural part of me, and my organic self suddenly came to life, and kicked its ass.
My auto pilot shut down….Had I been dead all this time? My life suddenly felt stale in my memories. Like I had been doing something else all this time and hadn’t realized it. What had I been doing? Where had my soul gone? Where had my mind been?
Making decisions that weren’t even my own. Thinking thoughts that just surfaced from some subconscious line of knowing plunged into me by the world. Eyes that didn’t belong to me. A mind dulled out by society and it’s ever loud opinions and needs. A large, whining, lying machine. This lusty robotic voice from the T.V and radio speakers. Pushed down my throat by commercials, ads, products, humans, politicians, books, the damn side walk even. Malls, stores, CD’s, movies, and bill boards. I’m not just talking about commercialism and consumerism; I’m talking about a life force, built over by hundreds of years, brought to a living stinking breath by money, greed and deceit. I realized I had eaten it up, like a plump salty buffet… just like everybody else. Finding myself, wanting nothing more than to dip out on this whole scene, and move to a quiet place where people were still alive. Were ever that is.
I realized I had spent my life up until now, pinning away at shit that doesn’t matter. Trying to fit into something I didn’t even want to be a part of. I realized, I had rebelled against that exact fact, by doing drugs and drinking for over a decade. Smoking poison filled cigarettes over 20 times a day and eating mounds of processed food to fill a void. Pouring acidic liquors down my throat, to numb the truth. Knowing that, I realized even further, that this in itself, was also bullshit. Did I really spend over a decade of my life, running from the thing I hated, by falling deeper into the cracks of yet another matrix of society?
This is what finally made me feel rebellious in the way I should?
Removing myself from the modern world’s most cunning trap…by CHOOSING to say, NO! I can make my own choices despite all this loud noise. Popularity doesn’t get my vote anymore. Neither does worldly acceptance. That what the world has to offer as condolence is a load of plastic empty trash. Never, EVER, satisfying me.That my shoes, and clothes, and house, and car, and precious belonging’s will all turn to dust one day..and I would look back on this struggle to provide myself with it all, was meaningless in its saddest form. I realized, that I had tricked myself into thinking, that this kind of goal in life, the one society has made very clear to us all, truly made me feel safe. And, in reality, I was just deceived, down to very last detail. That no drug, or stash of bills, or lover, or fancy trip would ever fulfill me. No party, or over flowing bar scene, filled with sad girls and insecure men will ever be attractive to me, ever again. That being thin, and beautiful…really didn’t mean much either? No. It doesn’t. None of it does. It just feels good for a while. And that too one day, will all turn to dust as well. So, maybe this is depressing to you, it isn’t to me. To say the great “F**k this!!!” feels amazing.
Now I can live. I can stand with Jesus, aware, knowing nothing is a guarantee and I can LIVE. Flesh. Love. Passion. Blood. Breath. Purpose. Now I can be…me. Hey, what’s up…nice to meet you!! On my own terms this time.