I don’t have some crazy, sad story to tell today. To be honest, my past heartaches are the last thing I want to talk about right now. What I do want to do, is have a talk with God. Right here.
This week has been crazy hard. In that frenzy, I did that thing, I so often do. Where I forget. I forget to bring you my burdens. I forget that there is a place for them in you, and I carry them on my back. I carry them on my back until it breaks, and I’m left victimized and undone by them. Under all that weight, and in my blindness I begin to resent you. I’m so sorry for that Father. You deserve so much more . I know how much of a problem it still is, that I do this. How much it can hinder our relationship. I don’t know why I allow myself to suffer with trying to control everything, when it’s apparent it always leads me back to this place. This place where I have to pick my ass off the ground, through my faith in You, and set myself right again. To be willing enough to allow You to fix me, make me undivided. I know you don’t want me to suffer with such weight Father, it’s my pride that fights putting it down. I know that.
We come to this place so often,You and I, this whole trust thing. It’s hard to rely you sometimes. I hate to even say it, but it’s true. I live in a house full of pain, lately. My Grandma so often sick and crying. I hear her cries all day Father, I have woken up to them every single day this week alone, and it’s starting to wear me down. The cancer recently found in her foot, adding to those tears. The news of that, creating this heavy static in the air. You know, I’ve witnessed what cancer can do to a family and I don’t know how to speak to her with hope anymore Father, I need your wisdom and strength.I can’t stand not having the perfect words for her to hear, to edify her. I hate to see her suffering. I have so much to worry about, but, I know the truth of it, is, in You there are no worries. That’s what I’m pulling on today Father. In my weakness and fear, that in You there is always hope. That greater is HE that is in me, then he that is in the world. It’s hard to hold onto that fire when so much around me seems hopeless. I’m counting on You Father. I need to lean on You today. Yesterday, I asked You what I need to do, and through my tears I heard you say..do not give into the chaos, but find peace in the eye of the storm.
That’s what I’m going to do today Father. You are the eye of the storm. That small untouched place of hope, sitting on the inside of my churning gut. That quiet little spot. Surrounded by a tornado of fear, sadness and dread. I’ll meet you there, and pull on that promise. I was not given a spirit of fear, but a spirit of power, love and a sound mind. I cannot do this without you, or anything for that matter. Today, in this moment, I reaffirm my trust in You. I give my Grandmother over to you Father, and I will not give in to the fear of loosing her to cancer and dementia. Her time to go home, is in your hands, and who am I to judge, or condemn how that will play out. I will not stand here with anger or resentment, but will fall at your feet. Confident in my convictions. That all will be done by Your will and Your will alone, and in that, I can find great relief. I love you so much, and even though this week was a nightmare, I trust you’ll make something beautiful from it. As you always do, because You are perfect and loving in all your ways. I confess that even as I finish off this prayer, my heart still aches, and my mind is still tired, but with each step I take towards you, all will be made right and whole in me again. For You are the way the truth and the life. God’s Decree.
I love you…
I need You always in ALL WAYS.